“and on the 15th day of April, he collected taxes”

Today is one of the worst days of the year…tax day! All that hard earned money gets paid into the government and the great redistribution begins again. Here are some of my favorite tax quotes (and, of course, a limerick).

“You don’t pay taxes, they take taxes.”
– Chris Rock

“The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it’s just sort of a tired feeling.”
– Paula Poundstone

When there’s a single thief, it’s robbery.  When there are a thousand thieves, it’s taxation.
-Vanya Cohen

Taxation with representation ain’t so hot either.
-Gerald Barzan

I’m proud to pay taxes in the United States; the only thing is, I could be just as proud for half the money.
-Arthur Godfrey

Did you ever notice that when you put the words “The” and “IRS” together, it spells “THEIRS?”
-Author Unknown

People who complain about taxes can be divided into two classes:  men and women.
-Author Unknown

Taxes:  Of life’s two certainties, the only one for which you can get an automatic extension.
-Author Unknown

Pothinus:  “Is it possible that Caesar, the conqueror of the world, has time to occupy himself with such a trifle as our taxes?”
Caesar:  “My friend, taxes are the chief business of a conqueror of the world.”
– George Bernard Shaw, “Caesar and Cleopatra”

Today is the day that the axes
Fall heavy and hard on the back-es
Of regular folk
Who can’t shake the yolk
Of paying their government taxes.

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Stacy Lewis Wins But Tiger Gets Headlines

I hope all you golf fans were able to watch Stacy Lewis win the LPGA tournament last weekend. It was a great come-from-behind victory with plenty of drama. She is now the #1 women’s golfer in the world. Her success is a truly incredible accomplishment given the physical challenges she had to endure as a teenager. You would think it might garner some headlines in the sports media, especially for golf. Not so! All eyes were on Tiger woods and his new squeeze Lindsey Vonn. Thanks go out to Tiger for lowering the news bar.

Stacy’s golf game should have beckoned
More media coverage I reckon,
But it seems Tiger’s dating
And with whom he is mating
Has the game itself coming in second.

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Taylor Swift Is Perfect For Lifetime Network

Taylor Swift scares me. She has a cold look in her eyes that reminds me of the evil baby-sitters in Lifetime movies. You know the ones, methodically planning to eliminate the wife and steal the husband. Taylor always seems to be cool, calm and in full control of her android like demeanor. That’s why she can’t take a joke from Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Whatever the reason, I find her a little creepy.

Celebrities, unlike other folk
Are targets to make fun and poke
So boo hoo Taylor Swift
Who’s reportedly miffed
That her love life’s the butt of a joke.

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This Oscar Is More Than A Grouch

The only question in the Oscar Pistorius trial is how long he should spend in jail.  Did he shoot his girlfriend on purpose or by accident?  Either way he should go to jail. Who pumps four rounds into a closed door not knowing who or what is on the other side?  I think blade runner may also have blades for brains.

When Oscar had started to date ‘er
He hoped in the future he’d mate ‘er
But one fateful night
When reeling with fright
He shot first and asked questions later.

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North Carolina vs. The Nipple

North Carolina politicians are in the news again. Of course, it’s not for anything that resembles good government or even intelligence. This time they have a bug up their ass for the nipple. They want to make it a felony to show a women’s nipple in public. I’ve been to North Carolina and they are 15 to 20 years behind the rest of the nation (except for South Carolina). Good thing they don’t host Mardi Gras!

When dating it’s more than a ripple
To get to third base for a triple
But in North Carolina
Forget the vagina
You can’t even get past the nipple.

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Lance Armstrong For Congress

Here I thought nobody could ever unseat Tiger Woods for lying and betrayal, then along comes Lance Armstrong. He has taken lying and deceit to a new level. Not only did he deny ever taking performance enhancing drugs but he sued those who accused him. His confession is a joke. So what’s next? He’s mastered the ‘big lie’ and the organization it needs to stay alive so the most logical next step…is politics. GOP here he comes!

We’re hearing an old song and dance
And continue our looking askance
At his doping confession
When our heartfelt expression
Is “shut up and fall on your Lance”.

Lance Armstrong

Vote for me!

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NHL Hockey is Back…Yawn

It looks like the NHL has finally settled it’s dispute with the players association and the strike is over. I hope the owners a.k.a. greedy bastards are happy. This could be a great sport if the league wasn’t so screwed up. Between the strikes and the moving of teams all over the country, it’s hard to stay with the game. Sports are about the players and the athletic competition, not the money. If the hockey owners don’t like how much money their making then quit the business and go screw up something else. As for the up coming half-assed season…

The NHL faceoff laid bare
The greed that the owners all share,
Though they’re back on the ice
That just won’t suffice
‘Cause the truth is I no longer care.

National Hockey League

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Hurrican Sandy Sees Pork Fly

Our politicians are a sleazy, disgusting lot of money grubbing liars and hypocrites. I’m referring to both Democrats and Republicans. The latest example is the relief bill to help the victims of hurricane Sandy. Politicians from all over the country saw an opportunity to cash in on this disaster by loading up the relief bill with all sorts of pork barrel projects that had nothing to do with the hurricane. Fisheries in Alaska? Repairs for the Smithsonian roof? $28 billion for future “disaster mitigation” projects? This is another sad example of our dysfunctional and money driven political system. “We have met the enemy…and he is us”.

When Sandy hit hard in New York
The damage would quickly uncork
Politicians’ zeal
To load up a deal
For recovery that’s laden with pork.

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Egypt Continues To Fight The Good Fight

Egypt is going through some difficult growing pains. It seems whenever a group gets a taste of power, they’re reluctant to let it go or even share.  The new President recently tried to exempt all his decisions from Judicial review and that set off a storm of protests.  The Egyptian people deserve better. They have rallied in the streets each time some new group tries to dismantle their burgeoning democracy.  Big changes require ferocious persistence. Don’t give up!

While Egypt aspires to be greater
It will come but may have to be later
As a Presidential attempt
To make decisions exempt
Sounds more and more like a dictator.

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Hostess Twinkie Has Died Of Natural Causes

Hostess is declaring bankruptcy…again. Let’s all give a collective yawn and a hearty so what. And what about the rush on the Hostess stores? Are there not enough other snacks to take their place? Are Twinkies just that good? I find it amusing how people will pine for something when it’s gone even though they haven’t paid attention to it for years. When was the last time you actually ate a Twinkie?  I rest my case.

The demise of the Twinkie has tears
In the eyes of some, but appears
To be whining and bluster
‘Cause they long lost their luster
And most have not had one for years!

Hostess Twinkies

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Thanksgiving Now Part of Black Friday

Greed reigns supreme at Walmart and Target this year. It wasn’t enough to open at midnight after Thanksgiving, now they’re opening at 8:00 pm. Pretty soon Thanksgiving will be treated as just another shopping day. This corporate speak from Kathee Tesija of Target is priceless, “Opening at 9 p.m. gives Target’s Black Friday guests a more convenient way to create an after-dinner shopping event that the entire family can enjoy.”  Providing their ‘guests’ with a ‘shopping event’? Puke! Of course, if it saves the life of an obnoxious relative from another family member who had nowhere else to go, then I’ll have to recant.

Business is often ’bout speed
But sometimes you wonder the need,
Now turkey and pie day
Is part of Black Friday,
Nothing says Thanksgiving like greed!

Black Friday

This must be the 'family shopping event'.

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San Francisco Giants Keep the Tigers in the Tank

Yeah baby! Another World Series championship for the San Francisco Giants. This was a great comeback from early adversity against the Cincinnati Reds and St. Louis Cardinals. I only wish Detroit had put up a better fight. I think the five day layoff dulled their edge. Whatever, we’re riding high in the City by the Bay and enjoying every minute of it. Congratulations to the World Champion San Francisco Giants!

With the Reds, they came from behind
And the Cardinals were dealt with in kind
But the best was for last
As Detroit was swept past
And a World Series victory enshrined.

 

World Champion San Francisco Giants

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Earthquake ‘Shakes Up’ Italian Scientists

Mama mia! The scientific community is up in arms over the sentencing of six Italian scientists to jail terms for not predicting an earthquake. While some are characterizing this as a conviction for ‘miscommunication’, the rest of the world is not buying it. Many are equating this to the Vatican’s censure of Galileo’s theories about the earth revolving around the Sun which went against church dogma. He was allowed to continue his research but not allowed to communicate his findings. Let’s hope that more intelligent judges will hear the pending appeals.

The earthquake was without a prediction
So the judges handed down a conviction
And we learn once again
From a small group of men
That ignorance is not Science Fiction

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The IMF Are Financial Super Heroes

The world’s finance leaders all met…again…on Saturday to address Europe’s debt troubles. The result of this high-powered, greatest financial minds, super-confab was (drum roll please)…a checklist! That’s right…a checklist. All we need to do now is check off the items on this list and all our problems will be solved. I’d be depressed if it wasn’t so damned funny!

A ‘checklist’ was the final result
When the financiers met to consult,
Their contribution
Is so lilliputian
They’d do better to practice the occult.

 

 

International Monetary Fund

Rueters

checklist

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Wall Street Greed vs. Dodd-Frank

In case you were wondering why nothing ever changes on Wall Street, check out this article. Congress passed the Dodd-Frank law to reign in abusive practices on Wall Street. After failing to get the law repealed, Wall Street is now using the courts to strike down the regulations as soon as they are drafted. The complexity of our environment is rendering it unmanageable which means greed will continue to rule. This can’t end well.

You might think our system of rules
Is one of our best working tools,
But with laws’ so complex
Unintended effects
Have a way of making us fools.

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