Happy New Year

New Years Eve is coming up fast. Time to get out your new calendar…oh yeah…and prepare to party! I’ve never been a big fan of this day. The parties are too big or too commercial and you end up saying happy new year to perfect strangers or people you hardly know. I prefer my ‘bubbly’ at home with close friends and family. To each his own. Happy New Year!

 

New Years Eve has become a cliche
For a new start, the old giving way.
But other than taxes
The salient fact is
With the sun rise it’s just a new day.

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Christmas Greetings

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! Enjoy your holidays!

Xmas Ducks 2

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More Christmas Limericks

Here are some more Christmas limericks in keeping with the holiday season. Fun for the whole family, except maybe the last one. Enjoy!

It’s the time of the year reindeer dread
Pulling hard on that big, heavy sled.
Just once they all pine
FedEx ’em this time
And let us spend Christmas in bed.

Some elves have been working so hard
That the back of their hands become scarred.
But not a whine you will hear
When the big man is near
As they hold him in such high regard.

Mrs. Claus has a role, don’t you know,
Making cutouts and rolling the dough,
‘Cause the elves on their breaks
Need cookies and cakes
Without which they’re clumsy and slow.

When NORADs alert goes to high
They know Santa’s sleigh’s in the sky.
Though nary a trace
If troubles apace
A Fighter escort’s on standby.

One Christmas I had such a scare
Spying  Santa and Mom in our chair.
She seemed to be probing
As he was disrobing.
She’ll not find our presents down there!

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Even More Christmas Limericks

Here are some new Christmas limericks. The last one is my favorite.

The crowd at the mall raised the bar
As the biggest this Christmas by far.
But would you believe
As I started to leave
I’d forgotten where I parked the car!

I pretended to not hear her beckon
But it bought me no more than a second
Before more haranguing
To get the lights hanging
Or it’s coal in my stocking, I’ll reckon.

Most Christians are quite unaware
That the end of December is where
The age-old tradition
Is solstice transition,
So Jesus will just have to share.

While Santa’s preparing his sleigh
For the work it must do Christmas day,
The reindeer’s foreboding
Is not what they’re loading
But Santa’s third breakfast buffet.

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Modern Day Christmas Limericks

Even Santa Clause and the folks at the North Pole are not immune from the issues of the day. Here are some of the everyday things Santa has to deal with…in limericks of course!

Santa is soon on his way
Bringing toys for the kids Christmas day.
Despite all his freight
He’s never been late
‘Cause he never goes thru TSA.

Some call Climate Change a cliche
But Santa knows better than they.
He sees ice receding
And knows he’ll be needing
A set of pontoons for his sleigh.

The Union of Elves did extol
More days off and stockings with coal.
But Santa Claus knows
If production still slows
He’ll outsource it to the South Pole.

I hear Santa has gotten quite mad
At a hacker Elf with his iPad
Who stole all his lists,
WikiLeaks now insists
They’ll publish who’s good and who’s bad.

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Latest Batch of Christmas Limericks

Here is my latest batch of Christmas limericks.  Hope you enjoy!

The retailers are hoping to see
The rush of a late shopping spree
‘Cause their best Christmas joys
Are not Santa’s toys
But a bottom line fatter than he.

Christmas is a time to defuse
The discomfort from reading the news.
If the rest of the year
Could see Christmas cheer
We might be surprised what ensues.

With the last present gone from the sled
“Back home” shouted Santa and sped,
‘Cause now his new aims
Are not Reindeer games
But Mrs. Clause warming the bed.

The good food and family instill
A feeling of peace and goodwill.
But for all your good cheer
To last through the year
Will depend on your credit card bill.

 

Christmas Merry

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Christmas Limericks

Today I offer up something a little different. Here are some limericks using lines from famous Christmas carols or poems. Happy holidays and enjoy!

The North Pole is bustle and noise
As Santa and those he employs,
Prepare for the day
By loading the sleigh
With gifts for the good girls and boys.
The children are filled with delight,
Because Santa’s about to take flight.
“Merry Christmas” he said
As he flew overhead,
“To all and to all a good night”.
Our shopping’s complete with no qualms,
To charity, we’ve given our alms.
No task left undone,
Christmas night has begun.
Silent night, holy night, all is calm.
The night air is crisp and combining
With planets and moon now aligning
For a wondrous sight,
It’s O Holy night
And a sky filled with stars brightly shining.
When the wind in the trees starts to blow
And you hear the leaves rustling below,
Then a chill in the air
Says it’s time to declare
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.
The work had been planned by committee
To make all the sidewalks look pretty.
Dressed in holiday style
They bring out a smile,
Now it’s Christmas time in the city.
It happens this time of the year,
We see someone special appear.
Keep close watch tonight
And you’ll see him in flight,
It’s Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer.
A blanket of snow fell anew
And the backseat is perfect for two.
With this night so sublime
Now’s the right time
For a sleigh ride together with you.
If we wait, we would be remiss
In wishing good tidings for this,
Holiday of lights
And a magical night.
We wish you a merry Christmas.
As the Sun slowly works its way down
The excitement is felt all around.
We’ve waited a year
Now Christmas is here
And Santa is coming to town.
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Time For Thanksgiving

Time to take a pause from all the trials and tribulations of everyday life and spend some time with family and friends. There is no better way to do this then over a good meal. ‘Breaking bread’ has always been synonymous with sharing, camaraderie and peace. Just make sure to keep the discussions of politics and religion away from the dinner table. Happy Thanksgiving!

The Holidays are time to remind
Of things we forget in the grind
Of everyday living,
So pause for Thanksgiving
And nourish the ties that will bind.

Thanksgiving


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Halloween And Zombies Were Made For Each Other

I’ve been trying to watch the new zombie show ‘Walking Dead’ on AMC. It’s pretty realistic as far as zombie movies go but the pace is a little slow (kind of like the zombies themselves). Too much character development. I’m not usually opposed to this but with thirteen episodes this season, it seems to be moving at a glacial pace…made even worse by the incessant commercials. Someone should turn zombies loose on the producers!

With an uncanny knack for survival
Seems Zombies are in a revival,
While they look decomposing
Their show’s presupposing
Success, though they’re ‘dead on arrival’.

Here are some extra limericks for Halloween. This is one of my favorite holidays. No religion, gift giving or flag waving necessary. Everyone just have a good time while pretending to be someone (or something) else!

It’s soon to be all Hallows Eve,
A day for which some still believe
Black magic abounds,
But now it’s just sounds
Of  ‘trick or treat!’ some candy please?

I’ve got ghosts and monsters galore
All standing in front of my door
Expecting a treat,
But who’s under that sheet?
I think I’ve seen that one before!

and for adults…

Sexy witch, sexy cat, sexy maid
All assume lot’s of skin is displayed.
While candy is dandy
The trick if you’re randy
Is a treat that unwrapped gets you laid.

 

Halloween

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Fifty Shades of Bombs Away!

Obama has finally found an answer to that perennial Presidential dilemma…what do we do with the Army? Voila…Syria is our new enemy. Forget all this ‘chemical weapons’ baloney. We encouraged Iraq to use these weapons against Iran back in the Reagan days (memory’s are so short).  The real reason is simple…we have too many bombs with the winding down of the war in Iraq. We need to reduce our stockpile so we can build it up again. After all, it’s good for the economy.

Obama is searching for a way
To convince us to agree “bombs away”
‘Cause our thirst for the power
To make others cower
Is America’s ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’.

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Who Will Protect Us From The NSA?

The government continues to overreach using ‘terrorism’ as the excuse to slowly remove our personal privacy and liberties in the name of national security. The terrorist have already won. They have sown the seeds of fear that dictate our actions. All they had to do was blow-up a couple of office buildings. In response, we started two wars, spend billions of dollars and shed 100 times more blood from soldiers and civilians alike. Now we are sowing the seeds that will crumble our democracy through the creation of a surveillance state. We can never be 100% safe and I do not want to relinquish my privacy and civil liberties in an attempt to achieve it.

“Beware the leader who bangs the drums of war in order to whip the citizenry into a patriotic fervor, for patriotism is indeed a double edged sword. It both emboldens the blood, just as it narrows the mind. And when the drums of war have reached a fervor pitch and the blood boils with hate and the mind has closed, the leader will have no need in ceasing the rights of the citizenry. Rather, the citizenry, infused with fear and blinded by patriotism, will offer up all of their rights unto the leader and gladly so. How do I know? This is what I a have done.”
– Julius Caesar

Obama is surprised at the fuss
Over surveillance he thinks is a must
But what’s he protecting
Now that we’re detecting
The NSA spying on us!

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The Kool-Aid at Intuit Must Be Delightful

I remember a manager years ago talking about this concept of ‘customer delight’. It was as stupid then as it is now. Intuit (maker of Quicken) seems to think they have achieved it. I’ve got news for them. Nobody is ‘delighted’ to balance their checkbook unless they just won the Powerball! Nevertheless, they keep trying to sell me a new version every year with new features I don’t want or need. Hardly a ‘delightful’ experience. I pity the poor rank and file that have to pretend to drink this kool-aid.

Companies are getting excited
To think that we’ll all be delighted
By everyday tools
‘Cause management fools
Have their heads up a place that’s unlighted.

Intuit Kool-aid

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Big Brother is Watching and Reading

If you think there is any privacy left in the digital age…think again. That latest example is how the FBI (and even the IRS) are freely and legally reading your emails. You might think they’d need a warrant but, with so many loopholes in the privacy laws, they are virtually useless. The ACLU does the best they can to protect us from an over-reaching government but it is an uphill battle. Big Brother is not only watching but reading and listening as well.

The government’s new holy grail
Is privacy laws weakened and frail.
Now with so many reading
Your inbox we’re needing
To change it to ‘we’ have got mail.

Spy vs. Spy

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Insect Drones – True or False?

I recently received an email describing a new Insect Spy Drone being tested by the government. It looked cool and sounded plausible until one of my friends pointed out this Snopes post that debunks the claim. End of story…right? Wrong! A week later I read about a Harvard team that has developed the first mechanical flying insect. It’s not yet capable to be a spy drone but an important step has been taken. It’s only a matter of time.

It seems that we just can’t forestall
The making of things very small
Like this latest machine
That’s almost unseen
The proverbial ‘fly on the wall’.

 

 

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Where Is This ‘Shower’ of Meteors?

Last night I tried to watch the Lyrid Meteor shower. I never have much luck with these. It’s hard enough to get up before dawn then I look up and rarely see any meteors. After ten minutes I’m back in bed. I think the term ‘shower’ is a misnomer.

While I patiently watch the stars twinkle
It appears that my plan has a wrinkle
While they talk of a shower
And meteors per hour
All I ever see is a sprinkle.

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